Quick Synopsis: An unidentified narrator (either God or Rain Man) lists miscellaneous objects in a one-percenter’s room. Meanwhile, a ghost lady creeps on a spazzy rabbit kid.
A good read if you:
- Sucked at iSpy books growing up;
- Want to be bored to sleep;
- Believe in ghosts;
- Are feeling bougie;
- Don’t care that there are starving kids in Africa.
For over sixty years, parents have been boring their sugar-hyped kids to sleep with Margaret Wise Brown’s classic, Goodnight Moon. I’ll admit: I loved it when I was a kid. To this day I still stare up at the moon on clear nights, struck with the urge to list out everything I see.
The feelies changed, though, when I read Goodnight Moon to my son. Whereas most kids’ books start off normal, questions creep up from page one, such as:
– What the f#%$ do this rabbit kid’s parents do for a living!? That room is HUGE!
– Hope they have a carbon monoxide alarm #fire #silentdeath
– Why’s that kid staring at me?
We start with a nice description of the baller green room. Then, a cliffhanger line as we wait to hear more about these pictures.
Cow jumping over a moon? No big. But let’s talk about the bears hosting the intervention.
Clearly right bear is cooking meth. While left bear has given up, middle bear is giving it the ol’ American good effort to help a brother out.
Oh, and in case you didn’t notice: The bears have their own picture of a cow jumping over a moon.
Didn’t think this would get meta, did you? And, this isn’t the first time.
There is a copy of Goodnight Moon within Goodnight Moon. Whoaaaaa . . .
By this point it’s clear that our narrator is on a role listing s%$# out. Never mind the fact that a rabbit has kittens for pets; I’m focused on that bad ass mouse tempting fate with his predators.
I know, you’re thinking, “This doesn’t seem like that bad of a book . . .” But then BAM! Ghosts. Quiet old rabbit lady comes out of NOWHERE.
Literally. Wasn’t even there one page ago . . .
. . . and now she just emerges, hushing . . . Most likely she’s hushing the narrator to shut the hell up, but dude keeps rolling.
And now we get to say goodnight to every friggin’ thing in this mansion room. Moon. Paintings. Balloon. EVERYTHING.
What do you make of this?
A painting of a rabbit fishing for . . . a rabbit. Cannibals.
Bunny boy is freaking out though because he also just realized that painting within the painting of the intervention bears.
The listing goes on until the mouse considers jumping into the fire instead of hearing, “Goodnight” one more time.
Is bunny boy even tired? Nope.
He’s amped because he just learned a new strategy for avoiding sleep: Ask mom and dad to say goodnight to everything in the room.
Then, in perhaps the greatest response to writer’s block ever known, we get this gem:
Genius. I hope the illustrator got paid bank for that page.
Not surprisingly, the entitled little kid gets to cop out of eating his delicious mush.
Y’know what starving rabbit kids do before bed? They eat their mush and say, “Goodnight. I hope we don’t die tomorrow.”
As the night darkens, the kittens finally detect the ghost lady in the room.
Do you have chills yet? Just wait. The final goodnights go out to two things: Air (wtf?) and Noises. Yes, noises.
Ghost grandma disappears (did she kill bunny boy?) . . .
. . . and we are left saying goodbye to noises. End of story. Who wants to go to sleep now? No one.
Despite how creepy this book is, it did inspire me: Tomorrow I’m clearing my son’s room out. Our goodnight routine will sound like:
“Goodnight floor. Goodnight walls. Now eat your crappy mush and go to sleep or I’ll send in ghost rabbit to haunt your soul.”