How Parenting Changed My Life (in at Least 8 Ways)

Today, I realized my life has changed.  Don’t get me wrong, I knew my life changed when I saw a human come out of another human (and when I realized I had to take care of this Russian nesting doll).  But, today is when it was clear how much my life has changed.

What made me realize this?  How often I think about bowel movements.  Guys, I think about bowel movements a lot.  And, it’s not that I think about my own bowel movements — although when you’re a parent you think about that too.  It typically sounds like this:

“Are you cool if I use the bathroom?”
“Sure, but can you hurry because I really need to go too and someone needs to watch him.”
“Oh, do you want to go first?  I think I can hold it.”
“No, just go.  I’ll watch him.  Do you think you’ll be a long time?”
“(Realizes he can’t just sit and watch videos on his phone)  How about you go first.”
“(Sits in bathroom.  Starts cat video on phone.  Hears phantom baby cry.  Rushes out, disappointed.)”

It’s my three month old’s bowel movements that have consumed my thoughts more than I had predicted.  After a sudden week of constipation, I found myself at work pondering, “I wonder if he’s pooped yet…”  Imagine if a person had that thought about anyone other than his or her own child.  Creeper.

Beyond increased poop pondering, my day-to-day thoughts have changed a lot.  Here’s a sample:

1.  Wardrobe

Before parenting After parenting
What should I wear today? These sweat pants don’t smell that sour yet, right?

I like to keep my wife in daily suspense, wondering which combination of sweats I’ll don.  The gray on gray ensemble is masterpiece of eye candy.

2.  Dining

Before parenting After parenting
“Where should we eat?” “Where should we eat?”

These seem identical, but they aren’t.  Before parenting, my wife and I would brainstorm romantic and exotic restaurants.  Now we are basically asking which of the three fast food restaurants at the bottom of the hill we’ll take turns eating in between baby bouncing.

3.  Utility

Before parenting After parenting
I should probably pick up my underwear off the floor. Crap, no burp cloth . . . what’s this on the floor? Perfect.

Yep.  This really happened.  More than once, actually.  More often than it should . . . but not so often that I stop doing it.

4. Initiative

Before parenting After parenting
What should I do today? What can I do today?

You are allotted one 45 minute errand opportunity, two stops maximum.  It must start after 4:57 p.m. and must end no later than cry o’clock.

5.  Planning

Before parenting After parenting
I should plan a vacation I should plan a nap.

As seen with the bathroom visit negotiations, everything must be scheduled, including sneezing because that crap will wake a baby up from ten walls away.  My body basically absorbs all germs and dander now.  #osmosis

6.  Fortune

Before parenting After parenting
Sweet!  I found a dollar! Sweet!  I found a pacifier!

These sound plugs are pure, 24 carat gum gold.

7.  Investment

Before parenting After parenting
$20 for a sound machine!? Who the hell would ever pay that!? $20 for a sound machine!? I’ll take 9.  Wait, I have a coupon.  I’ll take 32.

Side note: The folks who make white noise apps are jerk holes.  “Our free version will last just long enough for your child to fall asleep before abruptly ending to induce a startled rage.  Upgrade to the full version for $9.99.”  You better enjoy that $9.99, jerk holes.

8.  Attention to detail

Before parenting   After parenting
Okay, before I leave . . . do I have my keys?  Cell phone? Wallet? Okay, before we leave, do we have extra burp clothes, diapers, wipes, sound machine 1, sound machine 2, pacifiers, bottles, sanitizer, backup clothes in case he spits up, backup clothes for after he spits up on the backup clothes, sound machine 3, a hat, gloves, sunscreen, sunglasses, child?  Where the f*#% is my wallet!?

This is just a sample of how much things have changed in just three months.  But, I’m not complaining.  The change is oddly good (especially when I make bank on my sound machine stocks).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my wife and I have a celebration to attend.  I know what you’re thinking: Oh cool, an anniversary of some sort?  Nope.  My son finally pooped.  Cheers.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Tales of a Twin Mombie says:

    This is so true! BC should stand for “Before Children.” I can relate to so many of these. When my husband and I take our twin toddlers out to eat at a sit-down luxury (which literally happens maybe twice a year, if that) we get there and order immediately (having picked out what we want beforehand). We then tell the waiter: “We have a solid forty-five minutes here before chaos breaks out.” Hint – bring our food fast. We also have to tip a large amount because of the abundance of fishies the busboys will have to clean. I think this explains why we go out to a sit-down restaurant only twice a year. lol.


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