The Secret to Stress-free Parenting (No, really)

After three and a half-years, I’ve figured it out: There is a way to parent, stress-free. For real. Call me a huckster, a swindler, a shammer, but I’m going to give you the secret for free. Ready? Here it is: Never have goals. Zero. None. Give up all ambition to get what you want and…

The 9 Tragic and Magic Signs of Toddlerhood

I should’ve known when the belching began. Eyes widened, chin tucked, head sloping back, my son would build as much anticipation as power and let out a surprisingly boisterous belch, alerting us to a new reality: He was no longer a baby. The cosmic rotations have officially struck three and now we have a toddler…

Broken Parenthood Principles

Before my son was born, I established parenting standards. I wouldn’t, for example, use food as a motivator or manipulator. I wouldn’t buy my kid a random toy when he already had so many. We would not become servants to his sleep schedule. Then my son was born. Now he says things like, “I want…

Compari(son)

He’s screaming again. It has been three hours of misery tonight watching him fuss and squirm and whine and scream. We’ve run the usual gamut of reactionary reconnaissance: Googling, entertaining, feeding, distracting, more Googling, message boarding, prodding. And he’s still screaming. I feel the frustration filling my veins. I want to scream. But it’s not…

Experience 8 Levels of Hell with Cry-It-Out

No one knows exactly why we sleep, which is crazy since sleep is the Holy Grail every new parent seeks. Why do we need it? One would think that our ancestors who fell asleep would have been mauled to death by jungle creatures, thus dying out and evolving survival super humans that don’t need sleep….

Real Talk Book Review: Goodnight Moon

Quick Synopsis: An unidentified narrator (either God or Rain Man) lists miscellaneous objects in a one-percenter’s room. Meanwhile, a ghost lady creeps on a spazzy rabbit kid. A good read if you: Sucked at iSpy books growing up; Want to be bored to sleep; Believe in ghosts; Are feeling bougie; Don’t care that there are…

Real Talk Book Review: The Giving Tree

Quick Synopsis: A tree sacrifices her life to make some douchebag’s life a little bit more convenient. Good if you like: Listening to Elliot Smith American consumerism Voting Republican Being in parasitic relationships Wasting paper Hating Arbor Day Blaming millenials Sexism I read books to my son for two reasons really:  I get to brag about how…

How Parenting Changed My Life (in at Least 8 Ways)

Today, I realized my life has changed.  Don’t get me wrong, I knew my life changed when I saw a human come out of another human (and when I realized I had to take care of this Russian nesting doll).  But, today is when it was clear how much my life has changed. What made me…

3 Things You Shouldn’t Say to a New Parent (And 2 Things You Should)

  The road to annoyance is paved with good intentions. I think the original saying has something to do with hell, but prophesying damnation has never been my jam and peanut butter. I do, though, know how annoying and frustrating it is to have someone supplant social tact with “good intentions.” No place have I…

A Killer, a Father, and a Son

I’m wrapping my son up in my arms.  We lie side by side, his face nestled into my chest.  Some would look at this scene and think, “Tisk, tisk.  Co-sleeping.  Didn’t you read how terrible that is!?”  Others would think, “You better cut that habit now; he’ll never learn to sleep on his own if…

My greatest hope for my son . . .

There are many things I hope for you.  I hope for you to be happy, to feel successful, to find love, to be self-assured.  I’ll be honest, there are petty things that I hope for you, too.  I hope that you love to cook like I do.  I hope that you enjoy reading, more than…